Breathing...

So I went out of town this weekend with the intention of doing a little soul-searching and getting some good time of meditation and prayer in.  But what I got instead was an attack of not being able to breathe.  And even now.  I feel like I can't breathe.  It's so weird.  I function fine.  I don't really have any actual breathing problems, but my mind believes that I can't breathe and my body reacts like it's the truth.  

It's pretty scary.  I don't really know what to do.  I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel yet.  It's been 3 days...

Oh Burger, Where Art Thou?

When I go to the Ram, I expect a burger large in juicy tastiness and low on crap. Tonight was a special exception for me. Despite the server's glowing endorsement, I could sense that disappointment was in the air. Of course the ingredients should have hinted to me that I was already treading on thin ice. I got a dry burger that was just awful. It was called the Louie Burger and it consisted of the hamburger, gorgonzola crumbles, buffalo wing sauce and leaf spinach. I love buffalo wings, I love blue cheese, I love burgers, what's not to love?

It didn't work.

I've been wrestling with what it means to show Christ in my day-to-day life. I may have mentioned before that I worked pretty much solo for about a year and a half, having little to no interaction with anyone during business hours. Now I am around 40 people a day, and my habits that crept into my life seem to invade the lives of others around me. Me randomly singing to myself is one thing. Tapping on things is another. I love percussion, sue me.

But I've also struggled with deeper issues. I struggle with being judgmental, of jumping to conclusions with people I work with. I get so tempted to forget all of my shortcomings and be focused on who has angered me, who has made me feel bad. I try to fight urges I have to lose focus and it frustrates me when my ADD really kicks in and nothing seems to be possible to achieve. In all of that, I've thought very little of how I can be a Christian, but doing it in a way that my life shows it, instead of doing something dramatic like walking around, blessing people. I suppose it's a conversation with myself and God that I've yet to have and I need to have it. I've been really frustrated at my behavior lately, only because I know I could be treating some people a lot better. I don't know. This wasn't meant to rant, but what do you know? It certainly turned into that.

We had a great time at Restitution tonight. I love what has been created. An organic, fun time with friends, new faces and some good learning. For me as a pretty ill-learned theologian, discovering new ways to study and learn has been a great jump for me. Seeing clues in deeper waters has been so rewarding already. Andy has done a great job, and I couldn't be happier with how much I am learning.

Like good questions never asked...

The title comes from one of my favorite songs of all time, that I was listening to just now. It's called "Blessed to Be a Witness" by Ben Harper.

I had my performance review at work today. I was expecting to have a laundry list of issues presented to me, because I always seem to find a laundry list of issues that I have just on my own... but it was a surprisingly pleasant meeting. It looks like I won't be fired. Whew.

My heart was absolutely broken by John Terry today. I know not many of you follow football, but my beloved Chelsea (God's team) played Manchester United (Satan's team) in the finals of the UEFA Champions League. The score was 1-1 going to penalty kicks, and the team captain- Terry- slipped and fell as kicking what would have been the game winner. I can't even tell you how that made me feel. I'm sitting at work like an idiot, looking for someone to hug. Sadly for me, my nearest workmate Dave isn't a guy who yearns for hugs from other dudes. But I was suffering. Drogba, how quickly we all turned on you in one match.

Last night I had a chance to go visit my good friends Tom and Kelley where Kelley for the sheer heck of it (so cool) decided to make us all basically my dream meal: homemade wings and California Burritos (don't be fooled, they're quite real). Now for a transplant San Diego...an, the California Burrito is a staple of the any local young man's diet, and it's been sadly missed up here in WA (it's 90% of my food snobbery and I really apologize). Well Kelley came to my rescue and made it all homemade. It was one of the best meals I've ever had in my life. I mentioned it last night and everyone laughed like "yeah, ok Britton", but it was true. I'm still full from it. So from my heart, thank you!

I've been working on a blog the last few nights that I'm a little nervous about writing. I've been reading a great deal on recent issues in our country and I felt like I should write it. I was going to post it last night, but I felt like it wasn't ready. So I hope God gives me some courage to post it. And if not, that it was because I wasn't writing with my true heart.

The hidden victim...

One of the few OCD things I do, besides tirelessly keeping my music catalog impeccably organized is to get the gas pump to a whole dollar number when I am not looking to fill the pump. It's a thing I've been doing for years. I know it's toolish, I know it's lame... but it's always been a little game to have when I'm hopelessly dumping large portions of my check to the oil company. Before, when gas was less than three dollars, the game was reasonable.

Now?

Now it's a whole other story. I feel like I grief the loss of any reasonable chance I have to win this game over the huge spike in price. The cents fly by so fast, it's a total crapshoot.

Anyways...

I went to the Tacoma Rainier game tonight with Dan and one of his youth group students. It was a fun night. I made a complete fool of myself by heckling anything on the field that moved, and Dan and Nathan were gracious enough to laugh at most of it. It was a beautiful evening for baseball and I wish I had the budget to go to more games. Now I'm waiting for my sheets to dry before another early morning. Yay.

--Spurs/Lakers... you better hope for Los Angeles to win. Spurs vs. anyone will be a bore and a slow drain to everyone's life.

--Chelsea... Manchester United... two days... can't wait... can't stop using ellipses.

YES...

This comes from http://www.applegeeks.com/.

Quite a comfort...

Listening to Andy yesterday, he pointed out a verse that has stuck with me all day. In fact, I think the symbolism of it and the promise tucked inside brings so much peace, I wanted to share it.

"Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen. "

-Psalm 77:19

I've wondered a lot about my future the last couple of days. Brainstorming about the future at my company, in my personal life, in my home life... etc. I often disregard the guidance I get that I do not actually hear or see, the aches I feel in my heart that I try to ignore. This verse captures it so well. I can never exactly track where God has nudged me but I can't deny that he has. I've been very blessed to be where I am now.

Time Machine

I cannot even believe how excited I was tonight to sit down on my friend Dustin's Wii and play one of my favorite games as a child, "Blades of Steel."

Only the greatest hockey game ever constructed for an electronic format (besides NHL '96 on the Genesis... Ray Bourque, you're still the man). So much of the game is so arbitrary but it reminded me of a simple time, when there wasn't 17 ways to check a player like there is now.

Plus the fights are awesome...

I hope that this too will pass...

The beauty of friendship is empathy. Empathy to laugh especially hard at a shared experience, empathy to feel pride at a friend's accomplishment, and empathy to feel sorrow in a friend's dark hour. I don't think I ever truly realize just how much empathy I develop in a friendship until those sad times come. Two friends of mine were dealt staggering news today, and I have spent most of this evening with them on my mind, even as I was plenty distracted with the goings on of my own life. I never know what to say, I've never been the one that provides the meaningful words in times like these. All I could do tonight was tell them I love them, and then hope they know that my prayers are with them. All I know is somehow, God is going to bless their faithfulness, and bless the desires of their heart. Somehow. I just don't always get God's timing.

I have a list that I made on Tuesday that is staring at me, taunting me. I need to find time. I get time, but then I squander it on selfish endeavors that only please the lesser virtues in my heart. I need more time, but not just time- I need a new set of priorities. My indignation of status quo lasts just enough to be irritated, but not enough to change the rules of the game.

C'mon...Shake, Shake...Shake, Shake... Shake it!

I just created a MySpace music playlist tonight. If you told me that I had to spend an hour wasting it by creating a list of songs for my webpage, I'd do it gladly every time. Check it out.

Today was beautiful here in WA today, and as always, I celebrated it by working indoors. I can't be too bitter, though. I get to go see some baseball tomorrow night with my friend, Dan. Minor league, major league, beer league, it's a wonderful sign of summer when it's nice and warm and baseball is on the schedule. Hopefully we'll get seats next to Ben Cheney (pictured). In no way would that be creepy.

I got to go lift weights and have a Bible study with my pastor this morning. We try to do it every week, but we both get busy. It's so refreshing having that voice in my life. I had no idea how much I was crying for any kind of mentoring until I realized just how important these times with him have been for my walk. God has blessed me by putting men in my life that truly see different areas of my life and my different weaknesses in a very understanding and graceful light. To feel like I can be myself without pretense or hesitation is a gift, indeed.

I have to say, I love the SRT's at my work. I know I get them in trouble when I have to point out their errors, but I always seem to end up chuckling about something when I walk through their area throughout the day. I just thought I'd throw that in there.

It's Hard Giving Bad News...

Truth be told, I started writing this as I was watching the Lakers alternately lift me up and knock me down in beating the Jazz tonight. I have to be up at 5:00 AM tomorrow, but Lord help me if I can do that when the Lakers are in a must-win game 5. I'm ashamed sometimes of how sucked in I get by athletic competition.

Today ended up being pretty stressful at the beginning. Every time like I feel like I find my groove at work, I make some blunder or stumble into an issue that alludes my previous knowledge. It certainly keeps me humble and wanting to learn. I had a few moments today that definitely went beyond what I had done so far, and while that was nice, it certainly opened my eyes to the human aspect of what I do.

I got to head over to the Varsity Grill after work with Emily, Tom and Kelley. It was great to catch up with Emily especially and always fun to hang out with the Family Valdez. They had some scratcher promotion happening at the grill, and I won 3 free hours in their "movie theatre" room (apparently it's a $200 value). So I can't imagine me not getting a Rock Band gathering together in the next few months. Rock Band and wings... not sure I can beat it.

Time for bed, I'll have to work hard to get to sleep tonight. Sheep, willpower, voodoo... hopefully something will work.

Making Plans

So this morning, I mapped out all the tasks and plans I have for this week. It's a pretty impressive list if I get it all done. It also points out to me just how much I let slip through the cracks every day. When did I get to the point where batting .200 in my responsibilities somehow became the accepted norm?

I'm not ashamed to say it: I can't wait for Chelsea vs. Manchester United, the final of the UEFA Champions League. The match is being held in Moscow, Russia. If you ever questioned the popularity of soccer, the Russian government is considering a ticket to the match to be a 72 hour visa as well to expediate supporters in and out of the country. Russia! Amazing. One of the bummers of not being in England anymore is that I get so much soccer information second hand. But a week from now, I'll be sitting there at my TV like I was in West London all over again. Thank you God for creating Didier Drogba. May he find the net yet one more time.

And miles before we sleep...

Today was draining. It's amazing how much more tired you feel when the whole day feels frenetic. I suppose there is truth to stress being much harder on the system than simple adrenaline. Must be the added mental strain. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I should ask a doctor.

The bright spot was getting to finally check out the new Weepies album while at work. I really enjoyed it, especially "All Good Things" and "Not Dead Yet". It had much more of Deb Talan than Steve Tannen, which was a slight letdown, because I really enjoy when he gets a chance to lead the song. But I won't complain, the Weepies are always a breath of fresh air to me. And if that wasn't good enough, after everyone left work, I got to finally listen to the She & Him album, and got to listen to my love, Zooey Deschanel on my new computer speakers. I love her. I love this album. I love how my overtime wasn't nearly as... overtimey... ugh... with music filling the room.

Lazy Sundays create guarded optimism

One of my favorite things is to find music by complete accident that just moves me one way or another. Today, I got a chance to listen to The Submarines, and immediately fell for this. Yes.

I can't resist. One more song suggestion. Shamelessly, I heard this on Scrubs and it totally reflected my heart right now. War time, baby.

My friend Dan made a pretty sweet video for his nephew in Ohio, about Flat Stanley. I had never heard of the Flat man before this, but looking on YouTube, it's quite the thing to love. Dan asked me to provide some cheesy voice-over work for it. Check it out. It's awful (the voice-over, not the video... the video is great). Whatever, I'm typing too much.



Today was a good day. Good friends at church, lunch and then a relaxing Sunday. I'm not looking forward to this week. But maybe...