"...this is morning, that's when I spend the most time...thinking about what I'm giving up."

My dad and I finally got a chance to talk, and it was good. I'm probably closer to him than 90% of the people in my life, and to hear his advice and counsel always gives me perspective.

The one thing our talk did was give me a clear perspective of why I had to be up here in Washington. I think I mentioned on a blog earlier that I randomly asked Ben why I was doing what I was doing. But in my talk, I realized why. Simply put, I've been enabled.

Most of my teenage and adult life, I have surrounded myself subconsciously with amazing people. These people have always been there for me, they have loved me as a brother or loved me even more. But in all that love, I was able to live a life in which I did not ever have to challenge myself. Constantly, I would be always be allowed to take the easy way out, be it physically, verbally or emotionally. No matter how much my friends were trying to just be there for me, it kept me from this hidden layer of maturation I've always needed.

And now we come to it.

I can already tell that this entry has the potential to be greatly misunderstood. What my true feelings are is that I finally know and I grasp with all my heart why I need to be here. I feel like if I can get a hold of that which has always eluded me, I can be an even better person to all the people who have been so good to me. I just can't do that where I was. I needed to find a place to get that, and thank God, He has found me that place.

"...i'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings..."

It's been a week ago tomorrow that Ben and I dragged the F-150 into my new driveway in my new house in my new city in my new state. If that last sentence was deserving of multiple commas, I apologize now and hope you won't hold this entry in disrespect for it. I have to confess, I had several panic attacks about this decision on the drive coming up to Washington. One time Ben and I were sitting in silence, and I blurted out, "What am I doing?" Poor kid, how the heck was he supposed to answer the question that even the asker of the question had no idea how to tackle?

One thing is for sure. God is protecting me. It seems like every fear I have, he takes care of me. My pressing fear (and most selfish, admittedly) was that I could never possibly find friends in a post-college life in a military town, where it seems everyone is either married, old or twelve. But not even 10 hours go by in my new home when I was introduced to two good friends of Ben, and I can't believe how kind they have been to me in this transition time. Already I have been included in so much in such a short time, it's been an incredible example to me. I thank God for friends like Ben, and now...Tom and Kelley.

A friend of mine this week reminded me that I am here for a reason. Life wasn't what it should have and could have been in San Diego. As much fun as the area is, and as much beauty that is all around there, it simply was allowing me to stay as far from God as conveniently possible. Washington is in my life for a reason. God will find me here, I simply have to give it time.

All things considered, life is pretty good. My parents have been more than supportive, and I even have found a way to enjoy the rain. Seriously.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things, God works together for the good of those who love Him, and who are called according to His purpose."

"...life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same..."

So my room is empty, and my path before me is wide open. I was going to be typing today the immortal words of Whiteskake, which read: "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like I drifter I was born to walk alone..." Blah, blah, insert emo whining here. But as always in my life, God had a new trick up His sleeve for me.

By all things random, my friend Ben piped up last night with the thought of possibly coming up with me and then flying back. The only thing that stopped him, he said, was that plane tickets were too much money. Insert Gina Dennis. Without even hesitating, she offered to pick up the cost of his plane ticket home. So now I am not travelling to Lakewood on my own, but I am in fact going with one of my best friends. God is good, and Ben coming to Washington is an answer to prayer.

I confess that in my selfishness, I've been hoping that Ben could find a way to Washington, and for that matter, our friends Dave and Liz to move up there as well. I am completely aware that my desires most likely fall out of the will of God's timing, but it's always good to hold onto close friends, the ones that not only make your life enjoyable, but teach you some powerful things along the way. So I fight those wishes and hopes in favor of praying for God's will. That means that I'll be happy with the week God gave Ben in Washington, and I won't complain about it in the meantime.

Tomorrow morning, we leave at 7:00 AM. The Grapevine Pass through central California is closed because of brush fires, so we may be taking the 101 freeway. I know that God will guide our steps no matter what, and whatever way we choose, we'll be ok. The next time I write to you, I will be in Lakewood, WA starting a new chapter of my life. Until then...

James 1:2-4

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

"...it's difficult to say... goodbye..."

I spent some great time with friends tonight and it reminded me of one of my greatest weaknesses. It's not because I have some world view that we should never say goodbye or anything like that, but it's because I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid to admit that I am leaving and I will be gone and that will be that. Tonight I had the chance to say goodbye to a friend I know I will not see for many months, if ever again, but I chose to let it pass and we said goodbye just as if there was nothing different. I fear that a result of my going to Washington is going to be that I hurt several people simply because they never saw it coming. One day, I'll be here. The next, I'll be asked about and they'll be told I am gone, and who knows for how long.

I think I am a coward.

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A man was at Von's in front of the store asking for help for lunch. Neither Ben and I had money to give him, and we just walked on by. I didn't give it a thought until I saw him again on the way out...and for some reason, my heart went out to him. Even with that happening, I still got in my car, and drove away, the whole time looking at that man. I knew as I drove away that I let him down, and I let God down. I could have gone in there and bought him lunch, but I chose to stay on the sidelines. And sure enough, my devotional for the day speaks about how so many Christians say they will live a life like Christ, but when given the opportunity, they push it aside and claim they'll be more ready the next time. In this devotional, it argues that with that approach, we will never be ready.

(Weak sports analogy)

I felt like God was giving me a chance to be in the game, and I just sat there, letting the play pass me by.

(/Weak sports analogy)

I really think I am a coward.

My prayer today is simple: Lord, give me the strength you gave the Apostles. Grant me the courage to boldly live the Word and preach it with my tongue and my actions. Do not let me take the easy path.

Acts 4:18-20

Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied, "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.

"...i left with nothing, nothing but the thought of you... I went wandering..."

"I went out there, in search of experience. To taste and to touch, and to feel as much as a man can before he repents."

Johnny Cash sang a song called the Wanderer that was written by Bono of U2. If you haven't heard it, it's a song I thoroughly recommend. If not just for the music, which is moving on its own, but for the message. The base of the song is the wandering soul looking for anything he can believe in: friends, enemies, the church, the world, anything. And at a junction of this song, he says the line written above. And it reminded me of myself.

So many times in my life, I've lived with this idea that God is something that can wait on the sideline until I'm done. I've wanted to do all the things I've wanted to do and not have to worry about some God character to killjoy my fun. I'd constantly say, "This is the last time. This is all I will do." But the next day, or next hour I'd be doing it again. I can't even imagine how frustrated God could have been with me.

This song resonates with me for that very reason. Cash wants to live as much as he can on his own terms, knowing, however, that God ultimately controls the board and the rules of the game. He wants to indulge his own selfishness before "having" to come to repentance. It's telling how many of us live the same way.

_________________________________________

I found an amazing church last week. It's not the flashiest, it's not the most emergent style church I've ever been to lately, but it does preach the Word, and truly takes it to heart. It's only by God's timing that I leave this area and thus this church in 3 days. I think if anything, the Lord put that church in my life to show me what it is I am looking for when I get to my surroundings, so I won't have to wonder. If there is one thing that is harder than anything else I know, it's looking for answers that not immediately (if ever) revealed.

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord..."

--Acts 3:19

"...I've been held back by something..."

In moving nearly all of my worldly possessions out of my home and onto a freight truck bound for Washington, I was reminded of why moving up to Lakewood sounded like a good idea in the beginning. For most of my adult life, I've been in the same mindset and possibly the same rut that I was in even as a child. In so many ways, I feel like I have not become as emotionally mature as I'd like to be and definitely not anywhere near as spiritually mature as I should be.

The problem with San Diego is that there are too many distractions. The same reason why the city is always accused of not supporting their professional teams is the same reason why it's so hard to find focus here. There is simply so much to do, so many beautiful things to see, that it's easy to forget introspection and reflection, and just go out and do those amazing things.

In Washington, there are also some incredible things to do, but admittedly the climate is much more conducive to thinking and self-growth. I don't really need to say it. Ok, I will... the rain. The rain is a beautiful motivator and all I can say is that if the most wet area of the mainland United States can't motivate to be still and look inside, I don't know what will.

So San Diego, you've been fun. Almost too much fun. Now I have to finally grow up.

"He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers..."

-Psalms 1:3

"...on the road...where they don't look back..."

Today I am moving all my belongings to my dad's factory in Rialto, CA... and he in turn will be moving my belongings in a freight truck that will go to his other factory in Tacoma, WA. I wish I could say that I simply wanted to see how fast I could move my worldly possessions. But I am finally moving to Washington...

...there, I said it.

I've been holding off this decision for so long now that I feel like now that the decision is made, that I am leaving too quickly for most of my friend's tastes. I talk often about how I want to move back and come live in this world that has been my home for so long (San Diego, if you didn't know before), but honestly, who knows what God has in store for me. The apostle Paul always said that faith in Christ was never easy, and I think he would know what I am feeling now. Constantly feeling upheaval, moving from place to place, never being able to spend more than a cursory amount of time with old and dear friends. I feel like that now. Then I realize that my stress and nervousness is nothing compared to what Paul felt. Or what Jesus must have felt knowing that he'd be leaving this earth so quickly.

Faith and commitment is a journey, one that all of us should have to face at some point in our lives (otherwise, what good are either without testing?). I see the faith of others, I see how much God richly blesses their life with simple joys, and it makes me yearn to be like they are, because I feel like I never can. But perhaps this event will be the start of some quiet realization of the fact that I am now in the biggest change of my life. And I have no idea where this road will lead...

Psalm 73:23-24

I'm still in your presence,
but you've taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.

"...what's the word...word up..."

Update for the month of August

The running plot line continues... does Britton move to Washington? Or does he pull an end around and go to Merced? Or in an even more stunning move, does he stay in San Diego? These and other questions will be answered in September.

...though in other news, I had completely believed that I'd be done with that decision in August, so who knows?

I recently made a vow to myself and God that I would no longer seek revenge on drivers who wronged me on the road. I smell a back-story coming: (For as long as I can remember, whenever a driver on the road or freeway wrongs me by cutting me off, tailgating me, gestures at me needlessly or excessively, or simply looks at me wrong, I tend to do whatever I can to make them go crazy. If that means constantly driving very slow in front of them, switching into their lanes as they're about to pass me, or block them in so they can't pass me... I would do it.) But no longer. And wouldn't you know it? The 36 hours since that happened, I have been cut off, run off the road, gestured at needlessly, almost run down in the Ralph's parking lot, and generally made to feel like crying. There are witnesses to this. I am being tested. I can tell. I will not fail.

I cut all my hair off. I mean... I cut off a lot. It reveals the fun fact that Britton is losing his hair, but I am not dissuaded. I can make this look work. If I could make the rest of me semi-work, I can do this.

In the immortal words of "High School Musical", We're breaking freeeeeeeeee!

Go see Little Miss Sunshine. Even if you hate the first hour, the last 10 minutes are the greatest thing you'll ever see in film. I laughed and literally cried while laughing... because the laughing was... you know, a lot.

I have Alfredo to make now. Farewell for now.

So I was excited for all of the posts before about sad songs. Now I need you to answer another important question, since your last responses led to the sweetest 114 song playlist ever.

What are 2 songs that you listen to that just make you feel happy or excited? It doesn't matter what kind of song it is. I desperately need this playlist to counterbalance the sad, sad song playlist that is in full swing.

So again, what are two songs you know that make you feel happy or excited?

Hugs and a low-five,

Britton