"I'm not sure why it always goes downhill..."

My brother and (most of the times) his wife seem to always come around in periods of really hard times.  It's actually comical.  He's been there for every important death in the past five years I've grieved through.  He's visited during some of my worst moments of pain from different reasons in life.  It's kind of sad, but seeing my brother reminds me of the sorrowful times I've experienced since I started my twenties.  

In the past month or so since I've really actively blogged, you can say I've been dealing with some things.  I've got an issue where nearly everyday my throat closes up and I can barely breathe.  That has understandably created some anxiety for me, which seems to make it worse.  Multiple doctors visits later, I still have no idea what's wrong (and people wonder why I never go to the doctor), and the stress from it has made it almost impossible for me to sleep without medication of some kind.  It's a pretty uneasy environment to be living in right now.

I can also say that I've been experiencing some tangible sorrow in my life lately as well.  I've been trying very hard to give my lack of faith and my trepidation to God, but I still have a lot of work to do.  My heart still beats strongly when fear is involved and self-doubt... but I'm trying to fight it instead of dwell in it.  As I've read many times the past few days in Hebrews 12, we are not put through suffering as a punitive punishment, but to teach and test us to use our faith instead of our doubts to move forward.  

I'm definitely not quite there.  But I hope the decisions I make in the future will be based more on what I believe and not on what I am afraid of not seeing first.  

I've spent a lot of alone time lately.  I don't do well when it all comes at once and for a long stretch.  I have to think I'm being put in this spot to move me along on some issues in my heart, but I'm still looking for some resolution.  I can't help but think of Paul when he told the passengers on that ship that not one of them would be harmed when they wrecked... that God told him they would be spared even in disaster.  And not one of them perished.