"...everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near..."

Ruts are like a dark room that I always wake up in every morning in my room. My alarm goes off, and because it's so dark, I find myself feeling around to get my bearings and acquire some kind of feel for where I am. But all that ends up happening is that I usually fall off my bed, and get so mad with myself that I set my alarm for 30 more minutes. Ergo, I don't get as much done.

This analogy made no sense. Bottom line, I've been in a long rut, but I don't know how to get out of it. Maybe if I start breaking a hole into my wall to let some light in, I could see where I am in the morning.

"...you and only you..."

You know you like a song when you have 8 different versions of that same song.

You know you hate a movie when it comes in a collectible pack with four other films and you destroy that film you hate.

You know you're in Washington when you get flipped off for yielding to a vehicle that has the right away... by the vehicle to which you yielded.

You can tell it's getting to be Spring when you walk outside and don't immediately consider changing all of your plans just to stay in a heated house all day.

You know you hate Sonic when they don't have a restaurant within 200 miles of you, but they bombard your TV screen with their potentially tasty wares.

You should be ok if you run into a parked car while running. You won't be ok, if you really do that, because that is horrible.

You could let a friend buy you a Ben Harper album, and you could forget to see that it's a DVD.

You would be pretty amazing if you listened to Patty Griffin, and do it maybe now.

You could spend your life loving the Seattle Mariners, or you could do something more fun like bashing your teeth against the edge of a table.

You never know when a bald eagle will land on your deck. You never know when you might have the urge to have a stuffed bald eagle in your den. Kidding!

You may one day live in a place where the Mexican food is really good. You may one day move to a place where it's even better!

You know you love Michael W. Smith when you buy an album of nothing but covers of his music.

You know you're out of shape when you're playing basketball and just walk around after 5 minutes.

You know your life is pretty dull if you spend your day adjusting, maintaining, and creating inventory and customer contracts. Wait...

You should get a haircut, it's time.

You might want to pray that the rumors are true and that Sufjan Stevens next album is all about California.

You might also want to doubly hope that he somehow writes a song about Redlands.

You may want to get a life if you read this far.

You know you're just the cutest thing if you did.

"...in Christ alone, my hope is found..."

I was originally inspired by a entry made by a fellow growing Christian and in God's impeccable timing, that which inspired me before was seconded and underlined by my church body just a short time later.

The subject yesterday evening was regarding our "identity": who are we and what do we identify ourselves with? Identity is one of those tricky subjects, an issue that most have known exists, but few choose to wrestle with head on. For me, I have always ignored my own conflicts in my own identity because I didn't want to face up to what I had always known: that I did not know my real identity.

I can go back to elementary school and remember some of the first times I tried to change my identity for others. Being the tallest and the strongest in grade school, I felt out of place and downright freakish, so to compensate I was very meek and tried to be friends with everyone. But all that did was make me painfully unprepared for the challenges I faced as I got older.

As grade school turned to junior high and high school, I became a chameleon to the different groups of friends I had at that time. To my basketball friends, I acted just like them, to my church friends, I acted just like them, with my best friends, I acted just like them. In doing so, I completely lost who I was, instead favoring the choice of molding my own behavior with those around me.

This occurred exponentially as I grew into adulthood. As I became less aware and more ambiguous of who I was, I lost more confidence in myself around everyone. So in that, I leaned on the things that God blessed me with: my intelligence and my humor. I became someone that joked all the time, always was the one to tease people, and used sarcasm as a way to feel better about myself.

The consequences of this regression of my self-awareness became more apparent and painful as time went on. I lost friends because I simply had no roots placed in that friendship, I felt like I was wandering even when in a stable lifestyle, I turned away from marriage because I did not know who I was to even love the way I should. All that became of my identity was shadows that I seldom saw and my friends only knew me by.

But as has been the theme of the last half of 2006 and now in 2007, things have changed in my time in Washington. God has already been working on me to define myself in Him. Instead of believing that I need to be the funniest guy, or the smartest guy, He wants me to identify myself in Him.

And in identity comes validation. Part of my identity issues have always been about desiring earthly validation from my peers instead of looking for my acceptance in Christ. Even now, I've had to struggle with that. I've wanted people to like me, wanted my friends to think I'm worth the time, wishing I could be like other people, wondering if some girl thinks I'm pretty awesome. All of these things, that I cannot control and I cannot change. Except for where I place my trust and my hope.

To that I end, I further acknowledge and praise God for my fellow believers feeling the same way. I thank them for their example and I wait for the day when I can be the same for others.

In Christ alone
My hope is found
He is my light,
My strength, my song
This Cornerstone,
This solid ground
Firm through the fiercest
Drought and storm
What heights of love,
What depths of peace
When fears are stilled,
When strivings cease
My Comforter,
My All in All
Here in the love of Christ
I stand

In Christ alone,
Who took on flesh
Fullness of God
In helpless babe
This gift of love
And righteousness
Scorned by the ones
He came to save.
'Till on that cross
As Jesus died
The wrath of God
Was satisfied
For every sin
On Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ
I live

"...love, I get so lost...sometimes."

Why do I sin? Why can't I stop sinning? What is it about me that sees fit to make an excuse for every mistake I make? It drives me mad with anger, because I know that I can be something greater than this, something greater than that which sits in neutral and refuses to press forward. There has to be something more to living a Godly life. I feel like there is some trick or switch that stronger Christians than I possess that enables them to not stumble like I do.

It's at times like this when I think, "Am I even worth forgiving anymore?" I am so able and glad to share Christ with others, but I am scared to death that someone is actually going to target me and say, "Him. He's the one I want to model." Don't get me wrong, I didn't do some horrific crime. This frustration is more of a manifest of a hundred "little" sins that I constantly fall prey to in my walk.

Save me, God. Save me now, especially when I feel like the walk is getting blurry and the road is easier for me to wander from.

"...and my friends, I've returned to wish you all the best..."

My friend Leslie and I were talking it up tonight and it reminded me in many fashions that I have been neglecting this blog. Specifically, the purpose of this blog, which is a chronicle of my life out of California.

I can trace my absence back to several things. Because it's me, of course we do this in list form.

1) I feel like I've backtracked so far with God. I have tried to repair and renew my shortcomings in my faith lately, but that apathy that Satan always uses has been hard to overcome. Everytime I feel like God is speaking to me, I feel like it's been muddled and I had lost that guiding voice.

2) I flat out forgot about this blog for days at a time. Again, as much of a blessing at this has been, that's all the more reason why I shouldn't write in it. That which helps me is only something that can hurt me if taken away. Renewed commitment is in order here.

3) Writer's block. The times that I felt I did have something to write, it seemed like I was hitting my head against a wall trying to get it into words. I've had to make a decision to say "the heck with you block", and move on. Otherwise, this shindig never gets back on the road.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So where were we?

Ah yes.

Last night I had an incredibly uplifiting and spiritual conversation with a friend from Washington that spoke some serious truth to me in response to truth I felt like sharing with her. God has seemed 10,000 miles away and I was feeling like it was my fault, and it is. But I have seriously underestimated God's ability to forgive and to redeem, if I just ask. I have been making excuses for everything in all walks of life. In my study of the Word, in my exercise, in my behavior with my friends, I've done my own thing (it usually sucks) at the expense of God's thing because I always allow excuses to pop up. I swear I have to be the least creative person I know when it comes to excuses.

Since this is, you know, still Christmas, I felt like sharing a line from a song that we have heard a thousand times at this time of year. The song "O Holy Night" is a favorite of many (including me), but rarely do we hear this verses after the first one on almost all the carols. One line in the second verse stood out as almost evangelical even in a time of celebration.

"He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger..."

What powerful encouragement, especially for Christmas. Usually in this time of year, we forget to worry about ourselves because we are so busy rushing around everywhere trying to get tasks done. But to know that God is there, and no matter what the problem, he gets it, is a wonderful gift.

Merry Christmas, and I promise to see you soon.

"...talk to me, like lovers do..."

Definite articles, and why they make English smell nice...

This was prompted by not one, not two, but three people in the past 24 hours teasing me over speaking correct English.

Apparently in my great state of Washington (see, possessive now... it means it's becoming home), it's apparently a tell-tale sign that you're from California if you refer to freeways with the word "the" in front of them. So if I were to say, "then I get on the 5 and take it south", that means I must be from California.

If you ask a "native" Washingtonian, they will tell you that they simply omit the "the" in the sentence. So it would read "then I get on 5 and take it south." Then they laugh and make some comment about how I definitely am not a Washingtonian...yeah. Sure it kind of works, but let's take that to the rest of English.

Boy: "Stephanie, I think you are one."
Girl: "One what?"
Boy: "You know, one."
Girl: "One what?"
California person: "He's saying you're THE one."
Girl: "Ohhhhhh that's dumb, why didn't he say that?"
California person: "I don't know, it's what they do up here."
Boy: "You are hottest looking girl in world."
Girl: "Ok, now that just sounds like a caveman. We're breaking up."

It would be one thing if I were butchering the language, but I actually get snickered at just for speaking it right. And friends, that is a crime.

Washington friends, embrace "a", "an" and "the". They are waiting just for you, and they need you to use them with freeways and highways, and lots of other things. Come home, to good English.

Hugs and a firm slap on the back,

Britton

"...it's the end of the world as we know it..."

The Dennis family + Ben recently lost power because of 70+ mph winds that hit our house and knocked a neighbors pine tree into our lines, collapsing every utility in the home. For 98 hours and 55 minutes, there was a power blackout in weather hovering near the 40-degree mark. This is an attempt to chronicle this adventure in list form.

Top 10 Moments (Doesn't Mean Best) From the Washington Storm of the Decade

10) Ben and I cleaning out rotten food from the refrigerator. At 11:30 PM on Day 3 of the blackout, my mom decided that this had to be done right then. Lord knows this could have waited, but what can you do? Well you can do what I did and constantly dry heave from the smell for a half-hour.

9) Seeing raised hands at church when the pastor asked to see who did not have power. As much as I was whining and thinking our lives sucked, this was a great comfort to see we weren't alone and it was time to man up.

8) Our first night blacked out was made worse by a 100 foot tree laying directly across our driveway, blocking us from even leaving our house by car. When it seemed that we would have to wait days for someone to cut it, a neighbor's landscaping crew came out and did it for free and without fanfare, and a very tough time became that much easier.

7) Our neighbor coming over to offer us a warm house and hot food and drink. My mom has never liked him and my dad has never trusted him, yet during the whole blackout, he always made sure we were ok, despite his MASSIVE damages. It was refreshing to see.

6) Being able to finally read a large chunk of the Chronicles of Narnia like I had wanted to for months. My room was 40 degrees and I could see my breath, but I had Aslan, and I had a flashlight. I felt like I was 12 again and that felt good.

5) On the first night of the blackout, Sarah was an absolute rock star and took Ben and I home (Mandie was there too). Even though she had to endure winds that blew her into other lanes and a mother that was not at all pleased that she drove, she took two stranded guys home anyways.

4) The amazing outpouring of support from friends and strangers who offered their homes, their showers, their food and their hospitality. There is nothing like these moments to allow God to show me just how much He has blessed me.

3) Our friend Dan had most of his major possessions taken from him because of robbery. It was a very sad moment, but we showed en masse at his house to offer support and rallied together funds to aid his need. It was so awesome to see a body come together to support a brother in need. Giving is truly better than receiving.

2) When our power went out, we were stranded. Not by the power loss itself, but a massive pine blocking our driveway. Within moments of telling her we wouldn't be able to go to her "Office" party, Mandie called us back and told us she was on her way. Her and Kelley showed up 20 minutes later. Nothing feels better than a friend making sure I am included, even if it takes sacrifice.

1) The Puget Sound Energy Company. When the power went off because of the fallen tree, we made sure to call the power company quickly so as to get on a list sooner. I call the Puget Sound Energy company and was quickly patched through to a lady named Stephanie. Stephanie seemed ok until the first sentence I spoke left my lips, and she yelled, "SIR, I CAN'T NOT UNDERSTAND YOU WHEN YOU SPEAK THIS FAST! PLEASE SLOW DOWN SIR!" After slowing my speech WAY down, she asked my problem and when I told her the power lines were down, this was a sampling of her responses: "SIR, I NEED TO STAY 20 FEET AWAY FROM THOSE LINES!" "SIR, BELIEVE ME, IF THE WIRES ARE JUICED, THAT TREE IS JUICED. IT WILL KILL YOU." "PLEASE HANG UP THE PHONE RIGHT NOW AND CALL 911. WE NEED TO CORDONE OFF THE STREET AND GET RESCUE TEAMS IN THERE TO HELP ANY POTENTIAL VICTIMS." "SIR, I NEED YOU TO CALM DOWN AND SPEAK TO ME SLOWLY, YOU ARE TOO EXCITED AND I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU." "SIR, I HAVE TO HELP OTHER CUSTOMERS NOW BUT PLEASE BE SAFE. REMEMBER, THOSE LINES WILL HURT OR EVEN KILL YOU."

Now contrast that with the next day, when we called for a power update, and a different woman's reaction to the lines on the ground. The call lasted two minutes only because she took down our information again, and then yawned, and told us that the lines wouldn't shock us and we'd be fine. Seriously. But then why did a crew come five hours later and do nothing but guard the lines for 26 straight hours?

Crazy PSE, that's why.

Thank you Washington, this has been great.

"...if I only had a way..."

I've been thinking of what to say to you,
But I haven't found the words yet to use.
And this may very well be out of our control,
But I can't stand to see you with your heart so exposed.

If I could swallow it all and take it from you now,
I'd drink this poisonous noose somehow.
If I only had a way...
If I only had a way...

I've been thinking of what to say to you,
But I haven't found the words yet to use.
I'm sorry for my silence but I'm praying for a way,
To empty out your sadness and hang your pain

Oh my love, be strong don't let your heart be afraid,
Because I will always be here for you.
I will always be here for you.

If I could swallow it all and take it from you now,
I'd drink this poisonous noose somehow.
If I only had a way...
If I only had a way...
If I only had a way...

-Timmy Curran

"...tell the world that Jesus lives..."

Think about the worst person you've ever come into contact with. That could mean many things. It could be the meanest person you've ever been around. The nastiest person, the most sexually immoral, the most deceptive, the coldest-hearted person, it could truly be anyone. Think about that person, and then think about this: God will forgive them in a moment. From the holiest follower of Christ, to the lowest sinner who thinks of nothing but sin, they are able to be saved just the same.

It leads me to think... if everyone can be saved equally and saved as completely by the same grace from Jesus, then what is the point of living a life of holiness and a life that seeks the will of God? The answer is simple. It is that we are to now spend our efforts reaching out to those around us who are lost as we used to be. To see a friend or an acquaintance that is a non-believer and assume that someone else will witness to them denies them the same grace that someone showed you and I. That grace that led a pastor, a friend, a family member to swallow hard, and boldly share Christ with you.

Christ did not come to Earth to hang out with his fellow goodie goodies. He came for the people in darkness. What good is a church if it simply remains in its walls, the members looking at each other, patting themselves on the back for how great their Christian walk is if there are those out there that simply have no idea what any of this mess on Earth means? What good am I if I am not taking the things I've learned and the miracles I've experienced and not used them as signs of hope for someone even more lost than I? To answer both questions, there is no good. We are just treading water, watching the other floundering swimmers in the water die slowly.

People who do not believe in God or know Jesus personally will all experience the same thing eventually. Things don't make sense, people don't make sense, the friends we have let us down, things that seemed so normal fall apart so fast. What seperates Christ followers from others is that there is a rhyme and reason because when traced back, even the bad things in life lead to amazing results. In Christ, there is no sad ending, there is no tragic losses. It is only eventual joy. Those who choose to not believe can certainly do so, but they risk the chance of knowing real peace to know what it's like to be eternally saved by a loving God. A God that will never leave you, never betray you and never leave you feeling hopeless.

It's never too late to leave the darkness. It's never too late to be given hope.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"...the only living boy in New York..."

One day I decided that the world I was living in wasn't where I needed to be. So I packed all I had together, and with a close friend drove up to a new place with absolutely no promise of a future. That friend returned home soon after, and I remained to the will God laid out for me. Here's what we know so far:

1) Washington isn't the depressing death trap that people who don't live in Washington told me it would be. Honestly, I've been more exhilarated here by the environment and scenery than almost any time in San Diego. Point for Washington.

2) People here cannot drive. Seriously, it's now a personal running inside joke (how sad is that? I have an inside joke with myself) that every time I am on the 5 around Tacoma, there will be traffic because someone plowed into the car in front of them. They seriously drive 20 mph slower than in California and get in 20 times the accidents. My friend Tom has remarked that he can't wait until I get in an accident so I can stop complaining about this. Thanks, Tom.

3) Rain can be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. People here in WA probably have lost this, but I have found myself just sitting and watching the rain for long stretches of time. Easily one of the most peaceful things to do and brings a calm I never felt in California. Plus rain kind of demands calm since there's not much else to do but channel that lost little boy inside of me. Wait, the lost little boy inside of me would be wanting to play Nintendo. Moving on..

4) This place is "Scene Central" for musicians. San Diego gets artists but not many since it's not an incredibly well-known hot bed for music acts. But Seattle, gets some amazing artists passing through. Almost daily I bemoan the artists I see coming through because I have strange phobias about concert attending alone and I'm not quite chummy enough with people here to randomly ask to go see a show with me. As that changes, I can't wait to get plugged into the music scene here..incredible.

5) Weight lifting builds muscle. This really isn't exclusive to Washington, but for the first time ever, I'm lifting weights regularly and I actually have muscle now! It's kind of fun despite being sore in places I didn't even know had muscle. I've used not having AMAZING taco stands around me (more on this in a moment) on every block to get much healthier and fitter. We're getting a basketball hoop at my house this week and it will be glorious to finally play my favorite sport again (when it's not raining, let's work on that WA climate).

6) Bad Mexican food means I don't eat as much of my most favorite choice of food ever. No offense to the locals, but besides Tacos Guyamas, there has been nada (1 of 6 words in Spanish I think I know) that compares to the culinary perfection that is Cotijas and Santanas. Even the nicer restaurants are really bad. They try to cover it up with dumping a pound of cheese on the plate to make it look good. I caught on early and have avoided second trips to most places around here. If you know a place..

7) God is alive and well in my heart. So funny that in one of the most secular states in the country, I've been experiencing Christ in ways that I never have before. I am attending a vibrant church in Gig Harbor that has a great pastor and amazing worship leaders, and a young adult group called "Restitution" on Tuesday nights in downtown Tacoma with equally great preaching and music. God has been talking to me more than ever here and has put people here in my life that are really concerned with where my heart needs to be and where I can go from here. I can only hope that it goes up from here.

I can't deny it's been a very tough journey so far. I've had stretches where it seems like I'll never fit in and days where I felt like I've lived here all my life. It's been an ebb and flow for me and a constant struggle to maintain my optimism and my peace of mind. A friend of mine here and I have been doing a Bible study on the book of James and I've taken James 1:2-4 to be my constant reminder for when I feel like it's too much of a struggle for me to handle. And just because I'm modern and amazing, we're going to quote this Message style.

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way.

That's all for now. To everyone in San Diego, I've missed you very much and I can't wait to see you again.

"...this is morning, that's when I spend the most time...thinking about what I'm giving up."

My dad and I finally got a chance to talk, and it was good. I'm probably closer to him than 90% of the people in my life, and to hear his advice and counsel always gives me perspective.

The one thing our talk did was give me a clear perspective of why I had to be up here in Washington. I think I mentioned on a blog earlier that I randomly asked Ben why I was doing what I was doing. But in my talk, I realized why. Simply put, I've been enabled.

Most of my teenage and adult life, I have surrounded myself subconsciously with amazing people. These people have always been there for me, they have loved me as a brother or loved me even more. But in all that love, I was able to live a life in which I did not ever have to challenge myself. Constantly, I would be always be allowed to take the easy way out, be it physically, verbally or emotionally. No matter how much my friends were trying to just be there for me, it kept me from this hidden layer of maturation I've always needed.

And now we come to it.

I can already tell that this entry has the potential to be greatly misunderstood. What my true feelings are is that I finally know and I grasp with all my heart why I need to be here. I feel like if I can get a hold of that which has always eluded me, I can be an even better person to all the people who have been so good to me. I just can't do that where I was. I needed to find a place to get that, and thank God, He has found me that place.

"...i'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings..."

It's been a week ago tomorrow that Ben and I dragged the F-150 into my new driveway in my new house in my new city in my new state. If that last sentence was deserving of multiple commas, I apologize now and hope you won't hold this entry in disrespect for it. I have to confess, I had several panic attacks about this decision on the drive coming up to Washington. One time Ben and I were sitting in silence, and I blurted out, "What am I doing?" Poor kid, how the heck was he supposed to answer the question that even the asker of the question had no idea how to tackle?

One thing is for sure. God is protecting me. It seems like every fear I have, he takes care of me. My pressing fear (and most selfish, admittedly) was that I could never possibly find friends in a post-college life in a military town, where it seems everyone is either married, old or twelve. But not even 10 hours go by in my new home when I was introduced to two good friends of Ben, and I can't believe how kind they have been to me in this transition time. Already I have been included in so much in such a short time, it's been an incredible example to me. I thank God for friends like Ben, and now...Tom and Kelley.

A friend of mine this week reminded me that I am here for a reason. Life wasn't what it should have and could have been in San Diego. As much fun as the area is, and as much beauty that is all around there, it simply was allowing me to stay as far from God as conveniently possible. Washington is in my life for a reason. God will find me here, I simply have to give it time.

All things considered, life is pretty good. My parents have been more than supportive, and I even have found a way to enjoy the rain. Seriously.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things, God works together for the good of those who love Him, and who are called according to His purpose."

"...life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same..."

So my room is empty, and my path before me is wide open. I was going to be typing today the immortal words of Whiteskake, which read: "Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known. Like I drifter I was born to walk alone..." Blah, blah, insert emo whining here. But as always in my life, God had a new trick up His sleeve for me.

By all things random, my friend Ben piped up last night with the thought of possibly coming up with me and then flying back. The only thing that stopped him, he said, was that plane tickets were too much money. Insert Gina Dennis. Without even hesitating, she offered to pick up the cost of his plane ticket home. So now I am not travelling to Lakewood on my own, but I am in fact going with one of my best friends. God is good, and Ben coming to Washington is an answer to prayer.

I confess that in my selfishness, I've been hoping that Ben could find a way to Washington, and for that matter, our friends Dave and Liz to move up there as well. I am completely aware that my desires most likely fall out of the will of God's timing, but it's always good to hold onto close friends, the ones that not only make your life enjoyable, but teach you some powerful things along the way. So I fight those wishes and hopes in favor of praying for God's will. That means that I'll be happy with the week God gave Ben in Washington, and I won't complain about it in the meantime.

Tomorrow morning, we leave at 7:00 AM. The Grapevine Pass through central California is closed because of brush fires, so we may be taking the 101 freeway. I know that God will guide our steps no matter what, and whatever way we choose, we'll be ok. The next time I write to you, I will be in Lakewood, WA starting a new chapter of my life. Until then...

James 1:2-4

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

"...it's difficult to say... goodbye..."

I spent some great time with friends tonight and it reminded me of one of my greatest weaknesses. It's not because I have some world view that we should never say goodbye or anything like that, but it's because I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid to admit that I am leaving and I will be gone and that will be that. Tonight I had the chance to say goodbye to a friend I know I will not see for many months, if ever again, but I chose to let it pass and we said goodbye just as if there was nothing different. I fear that a result of my going to Washington is going to be that I hurt several people simply because they never saw it coming. One day, I'll be here. The next, I'll be asked about and they'll be told I am gone, and who knows for how long.

I think I am a coward.

-------------------------------------

A man was at Von's in front of the store asking for help for lunch. Neither Ben and I had money to give him, and we just walked on by. I didn't give it a thought until I saw him again on the way out...and for some reason, my heart went out to him. Even with that happening, I still got in my car, and drove away, the whole time looking at that man. I knew as I drove away that I let him down, and I let God down. I could have gone in there and bought him lunch, but I chose to stay on the sidelines. And sure enough, my devotional for the day speaks about how so many Christians say they will live a life like Christ, but when given the opportunity, they push it aside and claim they'll be more ready the next time. In this devotional, it argues that with that approach, we will never be ready.

(Weak sports analogy)

I felt like God was giving me a chance to be in the game, and I just sat there, letting the play pass me by.

(/Weak sports analogy)

I really think I am a coward.

My prayer today is simple: Lord, give me the strength you gave the Apostles. Grant me the courage to boldly live the Word and preach it with my tongue and my actions. Do not let me take the easy path.

Acts 4:18-20

Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied, "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.

"...i left with nothing, nothing but the thought of you... I went wandering..."

"I went out there, in search of experience. To taste and to touch, and to feel as much as a man can before he repents."

Johnny Cash sang a song called the Wanderer that was written by Bono of U2. If you haven't heard it, it's a song I thoroughly recommend. If not just for the music, which is moving on its own, but for the message. The base of the song is the wandering soul looking for anything he can believe in: friends, enemies, the church, the world, anything. And at a junction of this song, he says the line written above. And it reminded me of myself.

So many times in my life, I've lived with this idea that God is something that can wait on the sideline until I'm done. I've wanted to do all the things I've wanted to do and not have to worry about some God character to killjoy my fun. I'd constantly say, "This is the last time. This is all I will do." But the next day, or next hour I'd be doing it again. I can't even imagine how frustrated God could have been with me.

This song resonates with me for that very reason. Cash wants to live as much as he can on his own terms, knowing, however, that God ultimately controls the board and the rules of the game. He wants to indulge his own selfishness before "having" to come to repentance. It's telling how many of us live the same way.

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I found an amazing church last week. It's not the flashiest, it's not the most emergent style church I've ever been to lately, but it does preach the Word, and truly takes it to heart. It's only by God's timing that I leave this area and thus this church in 3 days. I think if anything, the Lord put that church in my life to show me what it is I am looking for when I get to my surroundings, so I won't have to wonder. If there is one thing that is harder than anything else I know, it's looking for answers that not immediately (if ever) revealed.

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord..."

--Acts 3:19

"...I've been held back by something..."

In moving nearly all of my worldly possessions out of my home and onto a freight truck bound for Washington, I was reminded of why moving up to Lakewood sounded like a good idea in the beginning. For most of my adult life, I've been in the same mindset and possibly the same rut that I was in even as a child. In so many ways, I feel like I have not become as emotionally mature as I'd like to be and definitely not anywhere near as spiritually mature as I should be.

The problem with San Diego is that there are too many distractions. The same reason why the city is always accused of not supporting their professional teams is the same reason why it's so hard to find focus here. There is simply so much to do, so many beautiful things to see, that it's easy to forget introspection and reflection, and just go out and do those amazing things.

In Washington, there are also some incredible things to do, but admittedly the climate is much more conducive to thinking and self-growth. I don't really need to say it. Ok, I will... the rain. The rain is a beautiful motivator and all I can say is that if the most wet area of the mainland United States can't motivate to be still and look inside, I don't know what will.

So San Diego, you've been fun. Almost too much fun. Now I have to finally grow up.

"He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers..."

-Psalms 1:3

"...on the road...where they don't look back..."

Today I am moving all my belongings to my dad's factory in Rialto, CA... and he in turn will be moving my belongings in a freight truck that will go to his other factory in Tacoma, WA. I wish I could say that I simply wanted to see how fast I could move my worldly possessions. But I am finally moving to Washington...

...there, I said it.

I've been holding off this decision for so long now that I feel like now that the decision is made, that I am leaving too quickly for most of my friend's tastes. I talk often about how I want to move back and come live in this world that has been my home for so long (San Diego, if you didn't know before), but honestly, who knows what God has in store for me. The apostle Paul always said that faith in Christ was never easy, and I think he would know what I am feeling now. Constantly feeling upheaval, moving from place to place, never being able to spend more than a cursory amount of time with old and dear friends. I feel like that now. Then I realize that my stress and nervousness is nothing compared to what Paul felt. Or what Jesus must have felt knowing that he'd be leaving this earth so quickly.

Faith and commitment is a journey, one that all of us should have to face at some point in our lives (otherwise, what good are either without testing?). I see the faith of others, I see how much God richly blesses their life with simple joys, and it makes me yearn to be like they are, because I feel like I never can. But perhaps this event will be the start of some quiet realization of the fact that I am now in the biggest change of my life. And I have no idea where this road will lead...

Psalm 73:23-24

I'm still in your presence,
but you've taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.

"...what's the word...word up..."

Update for the month of August

The running plot line continues... does Britton move to Washington? Or does he pull an end around and go to Merced? Or in an even more stunning move, does he stay in San Diego? These and other questions will be answered in September.

...though in other news, I had completely believed that I'd be done with that decision in August, so who knows?

I recently made a vow to myself and God that I would no longer seek revenge on drivers who wronged me on the road. I smell a back-story coming: (For as long as I can remember, whenever a driver on the road or freeway wrongs me by cutting me off, tailgating me, gestures at me needlessly or excessively, or simply looks at me wrong, I tend to do whatever I can to make them go crazy. If that means constantly driving very slow in front of them, switching into their lanes as they're about to pass me, or block them in so they can't pass me... I would do it.) But no longer. And wouldn't you know it? The 36 hours since that happened, I have been cut off, run off the road, gestured at needlessly, almost run down in the Ralph's parking lot, and generally made to feel like crying. There are witnesses to this. I am being tested. I can tell. I will not fail.

I cut all my hair off. I mean... I cut off a lot. It reveals the fun fact that Britton is losing his hair, but I am not dissuaded. I can make this look work. If I could make the rest of me semi-work, I can do this.

In the immortal words of "High School Musical", We're breaking freeeeeeeeee!

Go see Little Miss Sunshine. Even if you hate the first hour, the last 10 minutes are the greatest thing you'll ever see in film. I laughed and literally cried while laughing... because the laughing was... you know, a lot.

I have Alfredo to make now. Farewell for now.

So I was excited for all of the posts before about sad songs. Now I need you to answer another important question, since your last responses led to the sweetest 114 song playlist ever.

What are 2 songs that you listen to that just make you feel happy or excited? It doesn't matter what kind of song it is. I desperately need this playlist to counterbalance the sad, sad song playlist that is in full swing.

So again, what are two songs you know that make you feel happy or excited?

Hugs and a low-five,

Britton

"...i don't know much, but i know i love you..."

I had a blog once... I even wrote on it. But then I felt like I ran out of stories. Like Snow White having to choose which dwarf to take her to the Spring Forest Formal, I was completely stumped by this stupid blog. But in the words of Air Supply, I'm back...and in a big way.

Top 5 New Songs on my iPod

5) Ryan Adams - When the Stars Go Blue
4) Eels - Living Life
3) Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins - Rise With Fists
2) Embrace - Ashes
1) Travis - Love Will Come Through

Ok, because we're all BFF's here, I'll give you a few more

Dropkick Murphys - The Dirty Glass
Johnny Cash - If You Could Read My Mind
Sufjan Stevens - Romulus
Hellogoodbye - Bonnie Taylor Shakedown 2K4
The Weepies - World Spins Madly On
Regina Spektor - Samson
Regina Spektor - Us

Random query: You know how sometimes you hear a song and it just makes you want to move? Is it a bad thing that I had that happen at Vons? And is it wrong that the song was "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler? Good, glad that was covered.

- The flaming truck of justice is no more. No longer must I have to explain why a grown man has teal flames riding up the sides of his vehicle. No longer must people pull up next to me with that "Dang, that truck looks nice, but is that a dude behind the wheel? Wow...sweet paint job (snicker chuckle)" look.

- I can't be alone in believing that "So You Think You Can Dance?" might be the most convincing reason to date why we're all doomed to some kind of fiery death. From the frenzied judges to the constant stream of claw-my-eyes-out puns, I looked over at my friend Troy midway through and whispered for him to use his pillow on me. And not in the good way.

- Speaking of fiery death, friends, your 2006 San Diego Padres.

- I miss my RB kids more than I thought I would. I think in the first year of teaching especially, it becomes a chore to not get attached. But they all have a prominent place in my heart. To any of the Broncos reading this, think of something sarcastic for me.

- Two words that have defined part of my music rebirth: alt country.

- Your friendly neighborhood acoustic 80's cover band is coming out with a new song hopefully this weekend. Rosemaiden is good at two things: playing the guitar and making false promises of new singles. But trust me, I have it on good authority that their new track is hot and brings a forgotten continent once again into the limelight.



I figure people won't respond because 2 of you will read this, but if you can... list in a response your top 3 favorite sad songs of all time. Not angry, not frustrated, but sad. I want to make some themed playlists and I need your help on the first one.

Hugs and a high five,

Britton

"...gonna take a little time, a little time to look around me..."

Let's see...what do I want for 2006?

* Be a better freedom fighter. I haven't brought democracy to enough condos in my complex...but that will change. Oh yes.

* My comebacks to the lady at Carl's Jr. The most unfriendly thing in history constantly challenges my pride and self-worth. She will meet her match this year.

* Be able to properly construct a burrito. I can't do it, I'm cursed. I even watched the Taco Bell guy last night for 10 minutes looking for tips. Burritos...you're next.

* Sing so well at a karaoke bar that I receive a standing ovation. Has it ever happened? I'm sure. Will it happen to me? Oh yes.

* Finally get the nerves to sing at a karoake bar. I guess I have these resolutions out of order.

* Start an underground internet cover band. Jordan...you have the power to start this dream. We could be heroes, forever and ever.

* Learn the words to "King Without A Crown" to wow everyone at parties.

* Buy a computer. Preferrably one that doesn't randomly turn off.Grrrr.

* Find the people who keep breaking into Troy's car and issue justice to them.

* Stop a man from mugging an old woman's purse.

*Write Kobe Bryant a poem about sharing.

There. Perfect. See you next year.